Saturday, April 20, 2024 Apr 20, 2024
60° F Dallas, TX
Menu
Image

One brand, four magazines.

Enjoy unlimited access to all of our incredible journalism, in print and digital.
Subscribe Now
Advertisement
Politics & Government

Rick Perry’s Confirmation Hearing

The former governor of Texas faces the Senate.
By |
Image
"Governor Perry, before we proceed with today's hearing, would you care to make an opening statement?"
“Governor Perry, before we proceed with today’s hearing, would you care to make an opening statement?”

[softly singing Toby Keith's "Red Solo Cup"]
[softly singing Toby Keith’s “Red Solo Cup”]

"Governor Perry?"
“Governor Perry?”
" ... Henh?"
” … Henh?”
"SIR. Would you like to make a -- "
“SIR. Would you like to make a — “
"Whoa, whoawhoa, whoa -- you're already up to a gallop, missy. Ol' Rick likes to start out with a trot."
“Whoa, whoawhoa, whoa — you’re already up to a gallop, missy. Ol’ Rick likes to start out with a trot.”
" ... "
” … “
"OK. [clears throat] Thank you for inviting me here today, ladies and gentlemen. I know I have a difficult and important job ahead of me, and I want you to know how seriously I take it. Now, as your agriculture commissioner, I plan to -- "
“OK. [clears throat] Thank you for inviting me here today, ladies and gentlemen. I know I have a difficult and important job ahead of me, and I want you to know how seriously I take it. Now, as your agriculture commissioner, I plan to — “
"Wait, what?"
“Wait, what?”
" ... "
” … “
"As I was saying, as your agricultural commissioner, I plan to --"
“As I was saying, as your agricultural commissioner, I plan to –“
"AG-riculture commissioner?!"
“AG-riculture commissioner?!”
"Aw, hell. You know what happened?"
“Aw, hell. You know what happened?”
"I grabbed the wrong durned speech. Jesus carpet-bombing a Kia dealership. I was looking for some inspiration from my old ag-com days and I must've just picked it up instead. Well, hell."
“I grabbed the wrong durned speech. Jesus carpet-bombing a Kia dealership. I was looking for some inspiration from my old ag-com days and I must’ve just picked it up instead. Well, hell.”
"Honestly, it ain't too different than what I was gonna say. They both finish with the chorus from 'The Dance' by Mr. Garth Brooks. Anyway, I suppose y'all got some questions for me about oil and gas and whatnot, so let ol' Crotch hear 'em."
“Honestly, it ain’t too different than what I was gonna say. They both finish with the chorus from ‘The Dance’ by Mr. Garth Brooks. Anyway, I suppose y’all got some questions for me about oil and gas and whatnot, so let ol’ Crotch hear ’em.”
"You are aware, of course, that you are also in charge of the United States' nuclear arsenal?"
“You are aware, of course, that you are also in charge of the United States’ nuclear arsenal?”
" ... "
” … “
" ... "
” … “
" ... "
” … “
"Oh! You mean 'new-cu-lar.'"
“Oh! You mean ‘new-cu-lar.'”
"Anita mentioned that to me last night so I thought I'd better be prepared for some questions."
“Anita mentioned that to me last night so I thought I’d better be prepared for some questions.”
"We watched WarGames."
“We watched WarGames.”
"Did Matthew Broderick ever get up to anything after that?"
“Did Matthew Broderick ever get up to anything after that?”

Related Articles

Image
Home & Garden

A Look Into the Life of Bowie House’s Jo Ellard

Bowie House owner Jo Ellard has amassed an impressive assemblage of accolades and occupations. Her latest endeavor showcases another prized collection: her art.
By Kendall Morgan
Image
Dallas History

D Magazine’s 50 Greatest Stories: Cullen Davis Finds God as the ‘Evangelical New Right’ Rises

The richest man to be tried for murder falls in with a new clique of ambitious Tarrant County evangelicals.
By
Image
Home & Garden

The One Thing Bryan Yates Would Save in a Fire

We asked Bryan Yates of Yates Desygn: Aside from people and pictures, what’s the one thing you’d save in a fire?
By
Advertisement